When you slip into the driver’s seat, you join a whole city that’s only a few
lanes wide but populated by a universe of personalities and styles with
somewhere to go. We never notice most of them, because only a few other drivers
stand out from the crowd.
Yeah, yeah – share the road, and all that jazz. Some of those drivers –
well, if it were up to you, you’d lock away their keys. Where are the cops from
“Cops” when you need them? Instead, you note these drivers’ presence and live to
tell the tale.
The more you drive, the more personalities you encounter. Some of those
personalities seem to fit types, good and bad. Here are some of the challenging
types from the notebook:
The Joads
Like Steinbeck’s “Grapes of Wrath” family, they’re on the move with all
their worldly goods strapped to the pickup truck. Neatness doesn’t count: This
is a scarecrow of a vehicle, with furniture stacked on other furniture, boxes
set at precarious angles to keep the furniture from bumping and chair legs
sticking out wildly. Joads going for the world record put sheets of plywood
upright along the sides of the truck bed, so they can stack even higher. In a
sudden stop, beware of maxed-out bungee cords holding it all together, or you
may become a Joad by default.
Supersonic Hero
This driver approaches warp speed while sliding from lane to lane around
other vehicles. The only way to get there faster is a “Star Trek” transporter,
if only somebody would invent a real one. When this car passes, its wake may
buffet you – and even a Supersonic Hero in a little compact can scare the
daylights out of you when it suddenly grows in the reflection of your side-view
mirror.
Oblivia and Oblivious
Emperors of the road, they don’t worry about little people like you.
Nothing impedes them when they have places to go. Don’t look for lane-change
signals; you won’t find any. Don’t expect stops at stop signs; emperors don’t
need no stinkin’ signs.
The Great Distracto
This driver conducts life on the road. In the morning, you may see the male
Distracto shaving and the female Distracto dabbing on nail polish. The Great
Distracto also dines, takes notes, reads maps and the newspaper, and sometimes
even catches a DVD behind the wheel – and, in extreme cases, practices a musical
instrument or changes a baby’s diaper. However, cars were made only for driving,
and distracted driving is illegal nearly everywhere.
Glue Gun
This driver pastes the car to your rear bumper, a thrill especially in
rain, fog and snow. Speed up, and the Glue Gun speeds with you. Hit the brakes
suddenly, and the Glue Gun may meet you unexpectedly. Your best bet is to change
lanes or slow down, hoping the Glue Gun gets tired of slo-mo and finds another
bumper.
